School @ 45

  Every Saturday I wake up and get ready to drive 27 miles to El Monte, where I'll listen to different teachers each week and different topics.  All revolving around drug and alcohol addiction.  Pretty interesting stuff.  I've actually learned a lot about my family dysfunction.  But learning about it doesn't mean it's easier to deal with.  Although, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.  I heard that years ago when I was locked up.  Strange thing to hear when your sitting in a jail cell right?  But it's something that has def stuck with me. 
I am awaiting word on a job offer from The Foley House... which is located close to me.  Only about 7 miles from the house.  Although it would only be part time, it's something I am very anxious about and really want the job.  Not only will the hours be paid, but they will fulfill my intern hours for my certification.  In the meantime, I've applied at Von's.  After speaking with Denise, one of my oldest and dearest friends, she works at a grocery store and said that it's "leave your work at work, kinda job" and that sounded really good to me.  I do fear that the industry I'm getting into is certainly NOT that kind of a job.  I know with the way I am, how I care and worry about people... I know and realize that those feelings are going to lead to lots of disappointment in this line of work.  But I do feel as though I'm prepared for it.  I can say this much... I long for my history, my sordid past, to benefit someone other than myself.  All I did to myself and to others certainly has to make the difference in someone else's life besides mine... right?  I suffered so much during the height of my addiction.... and then after, when I struggled with depression and had that reaction to xanax... scary stuff.  And just recently I learned of a friend's husband committing suicide due to what she thinks was xanax withdrawl.... and that's something I do NOT doubt for one second.  That drug is bad news.  I know that this line of work is the only line of work where being an addict and having done jail time is going to benefit me.  And while I've applied at Von's, once they see that I've checked the box that asks if I've ever been convicted of a felony, they probably will look no further at me ... I'll never get to explain that that took place more than 14 years ago and my life is a total different story now.... but then that is their loss right.  
My class consists of people in various stages of the modules... some are like me, just finishing up their first module... other's actually were doing their last module and finished today and now, if they have their intern hours, are CAS certified and work in rehab helping other addicts.  I pretty much aced my test today and felt really proud of myself.  It's been a long time since I've managed to follow through on something ... in fact, other than my 12 step group that I did last year, I can't really think of anything that I've followed through with.  I think taking night classes my senior year in high school so that I could graduate with my peers.... I took that class with Chris Riggin.... he and I sat next to this girl ... she had the strangest shape... her boobies were really high up on her chest.... funny the things you remember huh?  But Chris and I used to laugh about her all the time.  I miss Chris.  I hope he is at peace wherever he is.  He was such a great guy and someone who could always get a laugh out of me.  I'm so sad he took his own life and so sad that he was in such a horrible place and felt that there was no other way out.  I have been there before, but thank God, never completed the mission.  
Christmas is just a week away..... I'll be glad when it's over.  It's always such a stressful time of year.  And now, since Laura's passing... it's always the month that she died in.... I don't even think of December being the month that Christmas is in anymore, I think of it as the month that I lost my best friend.  Pretty fucked up huh?  Oh well, she and Chris I'm sure are together and raising all kinds of cain...... John too.  Missing people is tough..... 
So now I've got 15 classes out of the way and 30 more to go.  YaY Goosh....  rockin the diploma at 45!!!    

Dinner Time

Ok, so the new phenom is this..... I begin cooking supper around 4:00 p.m., 4:45 p.m at the latest  I'll have my items on the stove or on the counter as they are being prepared to go into the meal and low and behold the men in my life start to walk through the door ... HUNGRY.  And they start feeding their faces... mind you ... not a snack to hold them over, but they start to EAT.  Like they haven't eaten in DAYS.... WTH???  So by 6:30 p.m when my dinner is ready and should be served, no one is hungry.  Can I just tell you how frustrating this is?  I think I'm going to go on a supper fixin strike.  Is that legal?  I dunno... but it should be.  Why does this piss me off so badly? 
So, this really isn't much for my first blog.... but it's a start.  I actually started one over a year ago and then never followed up and apparently those first few blogs are now, lost forever.....