holy freak!

Seriously........ I can't believe my last post was almost a year ago.  Holy Freak!  But life is good and i'm feeling blessed.  More blessed than ever.  I am at a better job, full time, with benefits and i'm doing more than just glorified babysitting.
That being said, being more involved also means that it hurts more when the clients go back out.  And it seems that where i'm working now, more people are going back out than at my previous place of employment.  But as far as me feeling like I fit in, something i've always felt like I didn't do very well, i'm pleased to say that I do feel that way here.  I've been here for almost 3 months.... that yucky probation period is almost over with.  Whew.  Sure will be glad to have that over with.

My first grandchild arrived in August and omg, what a total blast that is....... Little Cooper James arrived with a slight smile and very little noise.... He's been just a wonderful baby and given his mommy and daddy some rest.  I have watched with AWE how my son has risen to the occasion of being a father and how he is a partner to Cooper's mother, +Jamie Heenan.  I wish I could take credit for his parenting skills, but I don't think he learned how to be such a good parent from me.... more likely  , he learned how NOT to be a parent from me... ugh, terrible thought huh?  But it's probably true.  Oh well, I can say this, I have seen with my own eyes how I don't want to grandparent my grandkids.... so perhaps I'll be able to teach him how to do that.... I am just so damn proud of Tucker I can't stand it sometimes.  He's found a lovely girl to spend his life with and I know that Chris is just as pleased as I am with his choice.  Not only is she delightful, her family is pretty awesome too.  This is going to be our first Christmas with the little guy, and oh what fun it will be.
I don't know why I'm awake right now.  It's almost 3 a.m and i'm awake for some ungodly reason.  I just found out that my little Carly Rose didn't win X Factor and i'm indignant .... The cowboy won and i'm sorry, he just shouldn't have....  I don't care that he's the best husband ever, and that he gave up his career when he got married to support his family and blah blah blah, HE WASN'T BETTER THAN CARLY ROSE. But oh well, her life will never be the same.  She is going to be huge... Celine Dion huge.  You watch.  That little girl is going to be a super star.  Ha.  Every time I hear the word super star, I think of Molly Shannon and her funny catholic school girl character Katherine Gallagher.  That was some funny stuff.  Carly Rose.... you are amazing.  Please don't let the pitfalls of super stardom take you away from us.... God gave you this gift, please accept the blessing in a way worthy of the gift.
I wish I knew better what I was doing with this damn blog.... it's pretty pathetic that I have only 1 stupid follower... oh Tez......... +terriglynn I love you and I don't mean that YOU are stupid..... I just mean my blog must be stupid and only someone who truly loves me for my silly ways, would even want to be a follower........ however, big news of last month is that Vino Allen is a follower of mine on Twitter........... pretty big shit there folks.  Considering too that I only have 6 other's besides him!!!
Goodnight folks.  Super giant, big honkin, happy love to y'all

Goosh

plop, plop, fizz, fizz.....

Oh what a freakin relief it is.  Or not.  So yea, my kidneys have been giving me such grief these past couple of days.  I pretty much don't feel like doing anything but laying in bed.  But then I get to work and somehow my mind gets taken away from the discomfort and I get all wrapped up in the comings and goings at the Heritage House.  It's so funny how God knows what is best for you even when you don't.  I was so disappointed when I lost my job at Foley House... thought i'd never like Heritage House as much as Foley.  Boy was I wrong.  God knew this place was a better fit for me.  My co workers are just awesome.  I never felt as though I fit in at the other place.  They were very cliquey.  Even one co worker who I thought was close with me... when her husband died, she didn't even contact me so I could come and pay my respects.  So strange. 
But i'm learning so much here .... i've finished school and believe it or not, i'm learning more by being hands on than any day of school.  And i've never been happier.  These women are not only my co workers, but a few of them are my friends.  What a blessing that is.  And interestingly enough, the clients are just as wonderful as the ones from Foley House.  Women in recovery ... most of them, anyway, are just plain amazing. 
This year has truly been the best year of my life.... Don't get me wrong, getting back together with Chris was wonderful and having my kids was amazing.... but this last year, finishing school and getting this new job... it's just been so fulfilling.  God keeps blessing me and i'm so pleased.  Someone told me that God is blessing me because i've been obedient.  And the truth is, I have been.  I've been doing the right thing most of the time and when I don't, I end up fixing it and making it right.  I suppose God IS pleased with me. 
And now... i've got the biggest secret in the world .... and i've never been real good at keeping them.  Ha, just ask Julie or Kim.... they'll tell you I was a sucky secret keeper.  I got better once Laura and I were friends... but anyway, yea, a big ol secret that i'm so damn excited about.  And one I am not allowed to talk about yet.  But y'all will know eventually!!!  Toodles

my itchy eyes

looking at this page for the last 15 minutes trying to come up with something creative to name today's post and once my eyes started watering... it was an easy call.

I've worked a lot this week and I've thoroughly enjoyed it.  Today, after taking a few of the girls to their doctor appointments, I walked into MarDean's office to hear her doing a phone assessment. It dawned on me what a great personality she has to be doing the job she is doing.  While she may come across a little gruff the thing about her that strikes me is how fair she is.  No matter who you are or what you are coming from... it does not matter one iota to her... she will treat you the same... I really admire that about her.  I don't care what people say, it's pretty easy to be judgemental about people by their looks or whatever.... but not her, she wants to help young women in need.  I love my job so much.  Today, I had an opportunity to witness to two of the women.  One of the girls, I've had a few conversations with and I really like her... she is a creative young woman who just got into the wrong activity and now wants to change her life.  The other young woman is new to the program and I was able to pray with her after she shared a story with me that really made me want to cry right along with her... some "friend" of hers "read her cards" .... yea, I know, I don't know about that stuff either... but this so called friend told her that her daughter was going to die and then she would end up killing herself.  Whoa.  I couldn't believe that a person would actually say this another.  I told her to not pay one bit of attention to it.  That she was the master of her own life and that she would be the person to determine the outcome of her own well being.  I did say to her that of course I had no bearing on her child's welfare.... I did say that I could pray for her.  So I did.  I spent the rest of my time with the two ladies giving witness to how great my Lord has been in my life.  It's really one of the first times that I have been able to share how wonderful my life has been since turning it over to the Lord.  Of course I told the truth and shared about the trials I've gone through as well.  Life is still going to be tough at times... it's just not AS tough when you've the Lord to lean on.  It was truly a great day.  I pray that I did affect these ladies and that one day they will look back on our conversations today with happiness.  It's why I ended up getting into this field in  the first place.  I want to help ... to serve.  

Who knows, maybe tomorrow i'll get another chance to do the same.  

Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to do YOUR work.

Lesly

My sweet friend Lesly passed away this morning ... before the sun came up.  I met Lesly at CR and she was in my 12 step group.  She was such gentle soul and had such a sweet spirit. 
Even with my faith, death is so hard for me.  I KNOW I am going to see these people again, but I am just a selfish person I suppose, because it's something that I find is ALWAYS traumatic for me. 
I will miss her until we meet again on the other side.  Kiss Jesus for me Ms. Lesly... you lucky girl you... and please introduce yourself to Laura and John... they will show you the ropes now that you've arrived.
Thank you for being my friend!!!

OUCH

Relationships can be painful.  Really painful. Whether it's your marriage, your relationship with your parents, or your children or even your friends. You think your being easy going and flexible and come to find out it's being perceived as rigid and controlling and making another feel as though they are put on the spot.  How is it that 2 people can have such different views of the same situation?  What is really odd to is how things that have been told in confidence come back to haunt you. As these things were being thrown at me, I was reflecting on a similar situation that took place, although not with me, but with the finger pointer.  But I didn't go there... I let it ride, saying only a little bit in my defense, because  really, it just doesn't matter anymore. But this same thing happened between them and another, but it was ME that was accused of asking for drama... 
Realizing that making time for me is a chore ... well, ouch, that smarts a bit... no, a lot.  Lots of prayer this week has gotten me to a place of .... I guess just shrugging my shoulders and saying, "oh well."  If that is how I'm perceived, then so be it. I do know that I have other people in my life that love me for me.
My resolution, although I really hate them, is to surround myself with people who WANT to be around me... who love me and feel that their time spent with me is time, well, well spent. 
It just makes me wonder about people.  And then thank my stars that I've decided to love MY Lord and try to do right by Him.  What stinks however is that during this incident, I fell so short.  Not that Satan took over or anything, but I just did NOT come across as a child of God.  And I hate that.  Choosing my battles wisely has become almost the most important thing to me... because life is too darned short to let EVERYTHING annoy you . (I live with the MASTER of that!!  Ha) And dang, I tried, I really did.  But this one got me.  Got me good.

School @ 45

  Every Saturday I wake up and get ready to drive 27 miles to El Monte, where I'll listen to different teachers each week and different topics.  All revolving around drug and alcohol addiction.  Pretty interesting stuff.  I've actually learned a lot about my family dysfunction.  But learning about it doesn't mean it's easier to deal with.  Although, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.  I heard that years ago when I was locked up.  Strange thing to hear when your sitting in a jail cell right?  But it's something that has def stuck with me. 
I am awaiting word on a job offer from The Foley House... which is located close to me.  Only about 7 miles from the house.  Although it would only be part time, it's something I am very anxious about and really want the job.  Not only will the hours be paid, but they will fulfill my intern hours for my certification.  In the meantime, I've applied at Von's.  After speaking with Denise, one of my oldest and dearest friends, she works at a grocery store and said that it's "leave your work at work, kinda job" and that sounded really good to me.  I do fear that the industry I'm getting into is certainly NOT that kind of a job.  I know with the way I am, how I care and worry about people... I know and realize that those feelings are going to lead to lots of disappointment in this line of work.  But I do feel as though I'm prepared for it.  I can say this much... I long for my history, my sordid past, to benefit someone other than myself.  All I did to myself and to others certainly has to make the difference in someone else's life besides mine... right?  I suffered so much during the height of my addiction.... and then after, when I struggled with depression and had that reaction to xanax... scary stuff.  And just recently I learned of a friend's husband committing suicide due to what she thinks was xanax withdrawl.... and that's something I do NOT doubt for one second.  That drug is bad news.  I know that this line of work is the only line of work where being an addict and having done jail time is going to benefit me.  And while I've applied at Von's, once they see that I've checked the box that asks if I've ever been convicted of a felony, they probably will look no further at me ... I'll never get to explain that that took place more than 14 years ago and my life is a total different story now.... but then that is their loss right.  
My class consists of people in various stages of the modules... some are like me, just finishing up their first module... other's actually were doing their last module and finished today and now, if they have their intern hours, are CAS certified and work in rehab helping other addicts.  I pretty much aced my test today and felt really proud of myself.  It's been a long time since I've managed to follow through on something ... in fact, other than my 12 step group that I did last year, I can't really think of anything that I've followed through with.  I think taking night classes my senior year in high school so that I could graduate with my peers.... I took that class with Chris Riggin.... he and I sat next to this girl ... she had the strangest shape... her boobies were really high up on her chest.... funny the things you remember huh?  But Chris and I used to laugh about her all the time.  I miss Chris.  I hope he is at peace wherever he is.  He was such a great guy and someone who could always get a laugh out of me.  I'm so sad he took his own life and so sad that he was in such a horrible place and felt that there was no other way out.  I have been there before, but thank God, never completed the mission.  
Christmas is just a week away..... I'll be glad when it's over.  It's always such a stressful time of year.  And now, since Laura's passing... it's always the month that she died in.... I don't even think of December being the month that Christmas is in anymore, I think of it as the month that I lost my best friend.  Pretty fucked up huh?  Oh well, she and Chris I'm sure are together and raising all kinds of cain...... John too.  Missing people is tough..... 
So now I've got 15 classes out of the way and 30 more to go.  YaY Goosh....  rockin the diploma at 45!!!    

Dinner Time

Ok, so the new phenom is this..... I begin cooking supper around 4:00 p.m., 4:45 p.m at the latest  I'll have my items on the stove or on the counter as they are being prepared to go into the meal and low and behold the men in my life start to walk through the door ... HUNGRY.  And they start feeding their faces... mind you ... not a snack to hold them over, but they start to EAT.  Like they haven't eaten in DAYS.... WTH???  So by 6:30 p.m when my dinner is ready and should be served, no one is hungry.  Can I just tell you how frustrating this is?  I think I'm going to go on a supper fixin strike.  Is that legal?  I dunno... but it should be.  Why does this piss me off so badly? 
So, this really isn't much for my first blog.... but it's a start.  I actually started one over a year ago and then never followed up and apparently those first few blogs are now, lost forever.....